One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Enough of that crap. Later The donkey came back and kicked the sh*t out of the farmer who tried to bury him.
Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
That Asshole.
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE".
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE".
Exposure.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a Towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "
did he say anything about the $800 he owes me
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a Towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in Front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "
did he say anything about the $800 he owes me
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Priest & Nun.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
Controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun Once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
Controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun Once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity
Leisure Reading.
When Vietnam was still separated as North and South, the president of South Vietnam then was President Thieu (this is for real). As he was getting a lot of unfavourable treatment from his own country's news agencies, he invited Tara Singh, a journalist from M'sia, to brief him about the setup of Bernama.
After Tara Singh had briefed the president about Bernama, the president was impressed. He declared that it was time for him to set up his own Bernama, to counter all the criticism he has been receiving lately. Tara Singh politely said, "But Mr President, the name 'Bernama' is already used by M'sia... maybe if you chose another name."
"Of course, you're right! I shall name it after myself then. It will be known as Thieunama !! ", said the president. Tara Singh nearly choked on that! " Ahh, Mr President, that may not be the best name. To the Cantonese speaking people, that name is a four-letter word concerning mothers," said Tara.
"Thank you for being so honest with me. You deserve recognition for that. Why don't we give the news agency a name formed from our names. How about ............... ThieunaSingh ?"
Happy working!
After Tara Singh had briefed the president about Bernama, the president was impressed. He declared that it was time for him to set up his own Bernama, to counter all the criticism he has been receiving lately. Tara Singh politely said, "But Mr President, the name 'Bernama' is already used by M'sia... maybe if you chose another name."
"Of course, you're right! I shall name it after myself then. It will be known as Thieunama !! ", said the president. Tara Singh nearly choked on that! " Ahh, Mr President, that may not be the best name. To the Cantonese speaking people, that name is a four-letter word concerning mothers," said Tara.
"Thank you for being so honest with me. You deserve recognition for that. Why don't we give the news agency a name formed from our names. How about ............... ThieunaSingh ?"
Happy working!
Guarantee.
An ang moh(Foreigner) touring Hong Kong had been told
by his friends back home that one could get really
good bargains on cloths but that one would
have to be careful.
This gentleman went bargain-hunting and chanced upon a
well-established shop.
When he found a branded shirt that cost half the price
of what was being sold back home, he rubbed his hands
in glee.
Having been warned of cheap shirts, he began to
scrutinise the shirt carefully and smiled when he saw
a label that was sewn on the shirt.
It read " Guarantee No Shrink ".
Convinced that he had indeed found a great bargain, he
went ahead and bought half a dozen shirts.
Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and sent
them to the laundry.
He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces
in his tour group.
When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry, he
was shock that all of them had shrunk by at least
three sizes !
He looked at the label again to assure himself that he
had not read it wrongly.
Yes, it clearly read : " GUARANTEE NO SHRINK ".
He immediately took the shirts back to the shop and
asked to see the manager. The manager came out,
listened to his complaint and then calmly
pointed to the label and said :
" You Westerners read from left to right. We Chinese
read from right to left. "
by his friends back home that one could get really
good bargains on cloths but that one would
have to be careful.
This gentleman went bargain-hunting and chanced upon a
well-established shop.
When he found a branded shirt that cost half the price
of what was being sold back home, he rubbed his hands
in glee.
Having been warned of cheap shirts, he began to
scrutinise the shirt carefully and smiled when he saw
a label that was sewn on the shirt.
It read " Guarantee No Shrink ".
Convinced that he had indeed found a great bargain, he
went ahead and bought half a dozen shirts.
Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and sent
them to the laundry.
He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces
in his tour group.
When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry, he
was shock that all of them had shrunk by at least
three sizes !
He looked at the label again to assure himself that he
had not read it wrongly.
Yes, it clearly read : " GUARANTEE NO SHRINK ".
He immediately took the shirts back to the shop and
asked to see the manager. The manager came out,
listened to his complaint and then calmly
pointed to the label and said :
" You Westerners read from left to right. We Chinese
read from right to left. "
Management Lessons.
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate
it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold; the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While
he was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was.
The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate
it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold; the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While
he was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was.
The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A Guy's Tale In New Jersey.
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in New Jersey when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I don't know. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell... He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 storey building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leave s with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me; what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street; between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!
The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I don't know. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell... He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 storey building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leave s with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me; what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street; between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!
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